I have been putting off posting new work for some time now, because I felt like I needed to write this epic post explaining the new paintings. My expectations have delayed me for too long now, so I’m just going to DO it and come back to explain things further if I feel the need. Sometimes perfectionist tendencies can be paralyzing, so here it is, as is.
Roughly, I’ve been thinking about:
– Emotional history, and the editing/replacement/reevaluating process we go through as we look back on the past and change our feelings about events the past as we learn new things and our feelings change in the present as we reflect. Traumatic experiences, reflecting on childhood and one’s family, disillusioned romances, etc.
– Emotional memory and the uncertainty of recalling facts or circumstances, and feeling distrust for my own memory and consciousness. This also relates to the regular use of alcohol or other brain-impairing substances and how insobriety affects the understanding and retelling of your personal story.
– “Every man has reminiscences which he would not tell to everyone, but only to his friends. He has other matters on his mind which he would not reveal even to his friends, but only to himself, and that in secret. But there are other things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every descent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes From the Underground
– The expression of these emotional narratives through color and composition, body language, and other non-verbal means of communication.
– Using a facture that relates formally to history and the reediting of fact, meaning that things (objects, body positions, walls) get moved around and painted over or scraped back, searching for a more correct truth that is never found. I want to leave the work unresolved and uncertain. The painting itself is embedded with a changing story, while editing the details like the grammar of a sentence.
I don’t know if all of these ideas translate in the work by itself (always hard for me to tell), but in any case, that is approximately what the paintings mean to me. I don’t have titles yet, and this work is still really fresh.